why am i so dumb

i telll people what they need to hear. i let people know that they are doing the wrong thing. but still i fall so far in just a matter of minutes. i don'tget it how could one loved so much my the lamb make such a mess of his love. i mess with him and hope that he takes me back knowing that he will every time why can't life just be perfect like in fairy tales. when once the bad is over and you have fallen in love you live happily ever after why can't it be like that in real life. all i want is to live with my lord and savior and live happily ever after no more sin no more temptaions. i guess thats in heaven. but im tired of fighting trying to prove my love to those who only make me fall farther i can't wait to get away. i can't wait to see those pearly gates. i mean im not suicidal i think we already covered that but i can't wait to go to heaven. i can't wait till the devil is banished from my life. right now i try so hard to be pure and holy. but then i fall on my face. it seems like its the same couple of sins over and over and over again. like im addicted. i realize that i am addicted to sin. yes its true. i cannot go on without sinning its in my nature. but when jesus died on the cross he took that need to sin. now i can go without as long as i except what he did. and let him rule my life. i don't understand why thats so hard. letting the ultimete ruler rule my life hmmmmmmmmmmm. that sounds easy but its one of those things easier said then done. i am tired of my sins so im going to lay them on the cross again and leave them there this time. no more picking them up and taking them with me. i am forgiven its time for me to start acting like it. are you forgiven. because you can be its really easy just ask him. but once he forgives you you have to forgive yourself which is alot harder. i am forgiven but my lord YAY!

love and peace
drivensane

Luke 12: 42-48

ok so i realize that you may have read the story a thousand time. its on of Jesus's parables of a master who leaves one of his best workers to take care of things while he is away. if the servent takes care of things just like he should everyday he will be rewarded for he does not know when his master will be returning, because everything will be inplace when he has come home. At the same time if the servent doesn't keep things in order he may put things in shabbles for when his master comes home. when the master gets home he will be severly punished and thrown out of the masters house. the servent will be even more punished because he knew what he was suppost to be doing. "Much is required from those to whom much is given, and much more is required from those to whom much more is given." Luke 12:48 now that makes me wonder are those who have more knowledge going to be punished more then those who are not as smart. given what is my question. it could really be anything. could it be those who were given the knowledge of Jesus and refused it are going to have a worse fate in Hell then those who never heard his name preached and never heard the good new. because they are in hell because there was no hope for them. no chance of them learning about him.
ok so here is were i get on my soap box. it is our fault as christians that they never heard because we never taught. we could be out there learning there language and getting these people a bible instead we stay in our comfort zones where no one judges us well even if they do its only a few people not a whole nation. or maybe were not scared of all the work but to lazy to throw your self into a new culture a new way of life something that you would never do here why would you do it there. personally i think the reason that there are some many athiests today is because of christians. how many times have we done something that we knew we shouldn't do or said something bad about someone else even when we knew that was against everything that we were taught and raised to know. just so someone wouldn't call us out and make fun of use because we were different. how many times have we hidden behind our masks just so that some one couldn't see the real us. if everyone just broke past there mask a was them selve at leave 51% of them selves we could really change some perseptions of christians. now don't get me wrong im not perfect either and i am ashamed in the fact that i have fallen short and become a hypocrite to many and turned them away from god i am not proud of that but i am moving on moving past the old me on to the new me. who will strive to learn more about this god i serve and just hunger and thirst for this word all the time. i mean it won't be easy by any chance. but it will be easier then excplaining to someone that i am witnessing to why i can't stay away from sin. i realize that sin follows us and it is in our nature to sin and fall away but if we push our way forward and make us stand up i really don't think it would be that hard.
God knows that we fall and he promises to keep picking us right back up. he may not be happy about it he may in fact be really angry about it. but he will keep on doing it.
sorry that was a bit longer then i intended
love and peace
Drivensane

between missions trips

as some of you may know that i am a missionary by heart and calling but right now i am here in the states waiting to get re-applyed my the almighty. meaning i have to get called to go back out because if i don't have gods backing its like doing work without getting paid its ok but its not quiet as effective if i am not backed by him and also that is not what i am about i want to serve the lord and savior as he comands not as i choose. its part of the whole dying to myself thing that i still don't fully understand but all i know is that i let him make the choice i mean not like what i am having for lunch, tho sometimes that would be nice, its more like what im going to do next what college or country to spread his word in next. to tell you the truth its worked out pretty well for me so far. i mean how many 17 year old girls do you know that have been to 6 countrys 4 of which are in south east asia, have there GED because they were called to drop out of school. going to a crazy hard core internship and plan on being a missionary in a 3rd world country so far im the only one but if you meet one let me know i would love to hear her or his i guess storyies about what gods been doing in there lives.
Well so far right now im in prayer mode but i know for a fact that i am going to be in the states for at least a year because of my internship. after that im not sure but i know that god will let me know. i can't wait till i find out i personally hope that is is something wild and crazy like move to cambodia live in a tiny village and marry a Cambodian man. but thats just me it he calls me to stay here get a job at subway and marry some joe shmoe that i have known since i was 3 thats ok to but i know that god has great plans for me. sometimes its hard to wait. but other time it seems so easy when you realize how much we really have here. after this weeks election it makes me want to move even fast i mean don't get me wrong i really don't mind seinor Obama its just a few of his ideas that we could live without or the fact that some of his ideas really make it so some people don't live. im talking about abortion if you didn't catch that i am very pro-life but thats another rant for another day
go in his peave
drivensane

How could it be?

how could it be? when i was in a third world country i was so happy i was making a difference. but now that i am home i feel like the world doesn't need me that i am not making a difference. i mean im not suicidal at all i love life i couldn't imagine ending it but still i feel un-needed here. when i was in asia life seemed like it needed me so much. i was going from small hut to small hut talking to people with amazing stories of war and strif but back home when i talk to someone here there intresting storys are about something crazy they did when they were bored. and really when you listen its stupid things that. maybe its just because i love asia. that has to be it really. so now i just have to keep on hoping and praying my way back there so some day i can go and continue doing what i love to do and what i think god put me on this earth to do.
yes i believe in go and i would love to be a missionary for him. spreading him around the world is the best job that i can think of. right now i am call to run an orphnage to help take care of all the little kids that need parents. my heart is in Cambodia well more Phnom Penh and the surrounding villages. i have been there twice and couldn't imagiane more amazing people in all the world. they care so much and will accept you for who you are. i guess its late. more tomorrow

love and peave